48. All aboard!

First thing I did was surrender my suitcase at the entry level and having checked my ticket, it was accepted and my hands were free.  I came back down to the wharf where my family and friends, who had come directly to the docks, were waiting.  

Saying the this-time-for-real goodbyes to the family before climbing the gangplank was rough to say the least, especially seeing my mother’s face and knowing this was, once again, tearing her up … it hurt.  

Then there is my sweet Noori.  I was closest to her now than ever before and knowing how dearly she loved me didn’t make this farewell any easier.  

The loudspeaker blurted out the commencement of pre-boarding for those passengers who were already residing on that ship from the previous port.  My heart skipped a beat and I can only imagine what my mother, sisters and brother and Noori’s hearts were doing.  

“Send us a postcard!”  someone said.  “Don’t forget to write!” said another.  “Remember us and return soon …”  trailed another voice.  It was time to say our final (such a word!) goodbyes.  

One by one I went to each person, young and old, hugging, kissing and wiping tears and making the repetetive promise to take care of myself and return sooner than later.  

Do you know there were a few of my family members whom I had never in my life, witnessed them shed a tear up till just now.  How heart-wrenching.  It was a long line-up of dear ones and then I get to my brother and my sisters.  

I had never seen my brother cry either and in our embrace he poured which of course caused me to cry my eyes out too!  My dear sister-in-law stood by him silently crying.  To make her smile I told her I’d miss her meals as no one could touch her cooking where I was going.  It worked.

I gave my brother a personal promise; whether or not he wanted it I would send money to assist so that he wouldn’t have to miss me that way and I reminded him that I will definitely call for him as soon as I have settled.  

To my sisters I told them how much I loved them and would miss them (I knew my little sister would be the one writing to me) and to all my nieces and nephews I laid down the promise of goodies from America.

My mother, my dearest, most precious mother.  I don’t have to tell you about the nonstop tears there.  She said to me, “Maybe I’m not going to be here when you come back.”  What a stab in my heart, I had that coming.  

I knew I’d better say something comforting and quick!  ‘Amma don’t worry please.  I promise you as I have made the same to Noori that I will be back in two years to marry her.’  

Noori was naturally standing there right beside my mother.  That statement brought a gentle smile to my crying mother’s face … and to Noori’s.

It was nearly 4 o’clock and the steamship whistle sounded.  The call for all to board was heard and went through my bones.  Noori and I embraced, tightly, she cried a lot and we repeated our love statement for one another.  ‘I will see you soon Noori.’  I assured her and she assured me in return, “I will wait for you Gary.”

Orsova ticket to.. 1959I began my ascent of the gangplank and I could hear all the crying.  I made my way to the top deck of the ship.  Boxes of streamers were laid out for the passengers to throw as their departing gesture and final tie being broken … well that’s what it felt like to me.

I grabbed half a dozen of those paper streamers and made my way to the railing of the ship, obviously dockside.  The Fiji Military band had begun a tune and the mood was set.

I see my people down there on the wharf and I can tell they’re searching for my face among the many.  A couple of the excited children spot me waving and point me out to the rest.

The Orsova horn -that sound- was blasted again, twice.  It was 4:45p and the gangplank would go up in five minutes.  I hold one end of each streamer and then begin to throw them towards the crowd, in the general direction of my family and friends.

Then the departing song Isa Lei began.  A man had caught one of my streamers and as though by fate, handed it to Noori.  She may not have caught one on her own, I don’t know and I had no idea who he was.

The big rope at the stern was first released and the ship begins a controlled slip away from the dock.  The tears and emotions for nearly everyone present were uncontrollable.  It’s such a haunting piece of music and the way the lyrics are sung, one cannot help but to lose it.

Isa is God in Fijian.  A feeling of hearts full of pleasure and return right away and your absence will bring pain … that kind of a feeling, very haunting you know.   

“Why did you come if you have to leave …”

The band is still playing and the streamers have been flying.  Now the stern has been released as the ship pulls away under it’s own complete power.
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You know this goodbye with Noori reminded me of 1953, nearly the same scenario up in Vancouver with Sonia.  I had said to her I would return to her and that we would run away and get married.  Sonia had said she would hide me from everyone.  This felt a lot like the same and I really didn’t want to suffer that love lost once again.

21. Tamavua Hurricane!

A few weeks later I found a 1 bedroom apartment in Tamavua which was near to my eldest sister’s home.  Still trying to make a ‘go’ of my marriage I shared this news with my wife.  Having the knowledge that it would be just the two of us and possibly other factors -I don’t really know, she actually agreed to move in with me.

Just a couple of weeks into our attempt, our struggle -cannot lie as it was such- another surprise was dished up.  I came in from work one afternoon and Hemma was not at home, as was the normal scene.  Our apartment was trashed and I mean like ransacked!  Clothing, groceries, bedding, papers you name it, strewn all about the place.

I found no note, no dear John letter, no obvious reason for this scene and no, the thought never crossed my mind that she may have been in danger.  We were clearly in a troubled relationship and well, in my gut it was plain that she did this damage herself.  What!?   I’m being honest here about what I felt at the moment; judge if you must.

I understood nothing and I knew even less than that.  Frozen in the corner of the room just looking around, aloud I cried, ‘Oh God!  Why did she do this?’  I thought if she wanted to leave me, just leave!

This takes so much poison and hatred in one’s system to do such a thing, think about it; the energy spent in destruction.  Intense hatred, lack of knowledge and God knows what else it takes to fuel such obliteration.  How much more torment and painful heartache must one endure, I just had to ask myself this question …only repeatedly it seemed.

And in all fairness, at some small point in this time, I realized she’s suffering something of her own heart and mind, right?  I mean massive pain can cause one to do … I still don’t think it’s right to be destructive.

I know, I know we all handle things differently, I get that.  Alas I can only speak for myself and I do know that I didn’t betray her trust.  I must go to the ocean, wash my face and awake myself from this nightmare!

After a while I called my sister, telling her what I came home to.  The family came right away and assisted me with a clean-up.  I packed my things and they took me back to my mother’s home.

At this point my family was ready to go to war with my in-laws.  My mama (elder uncle) came as soon as he could in order to try and calm everyone down; get our heads screwed back on.  We had to be logical in our thoughts and plans.

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In retrospect, as I’ve experienced the remaining 64 years of my life, I really do not blame her for some of the behavior she demonstrated.  I saw for myself that there are certain types of parents who do interfere too much, causing confusion for their young children who are just trying to act grown-up within the situations which their parents put them in, in the first place.

Her reactions at that time must’ve been perhaps a defense mechanism for all that her young life had already dished up as she really was still, only a child herself.  I was not so much more grown-up than that.  The one difference I had going on was that I had left Fiji for a while and saw there was more to life than what the eyeball currently saw every morning.