Tag Archives: angel

43. We Can’t Have That! … a tear stained stalemate.

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1958 December.  One summer day Noori came down to the house as usual but this time the intention was to have a private conversation with my mother.  “Umi, I really need to tell you something and it’s very important.”  

“Of course beta (my dear child).  Come over here and sit with me, relax and tell me all about it.”  My mother saw the need for comfort on Noori’s sweet face; I know my mother.  Noori began to cry.  “I’m pregnant umi.”  

Apart from my mother’s 1st reaction of surprise, she was quite calm and was all about making this conversation easier.  She asked her what makes her think it is so.  “My sisters at home noticed that I threw up a few times and they cornered me.  I have not taken steps to confirm it but I’m pretty sure it is so,”  Noori replied in between sobs.

“If I could just get the two of you married right now, we wouldn’t have to worry about this as a problem, it would be a celebration.  You know this family thinks the world of you Noori, you are one of us.”  Still holding her my mother continued, “I’m sorry this cannot be that way beta.  I am not sure what we can do.”  

After a lot more crying and in all her comforting, my mother advised her to return home.  Noori was clearly frightened.  My sensible mother told her to be strong, brave and quiet as long as she could and that she’d talk to Gary right away.  

Noori returned home after a little while and my mother most definitely had a very serious talk with me.  We knew we were jammed tight in between a pivotal rock and the sheer unscalable mountain.

Unfortunately her mother found out before long and I hate to remember this; that precious girl, she took a physical beating.  There was no lenience or grace.  After her mother got that part out of her system, she told Noori she’d call the doctor immediately to have the pregnancy eliminated.  

Obviously Noori didn’t return to our house and I knew nothing of these developments.  My little sister found out and relayed the information to my mother.  Back then with great modesty and all, at least on my sister’s part, she would never say these things to her brother and so it had to go through our mother.  

My loving and supportive mother then told me everything she knew including the scheduled doctor’s visit at the clinic.  I intended to be present, even if it was in secret.  If I could’ve stopped this from taking place, God knows I certainly would have.


My young adult nephew accompanied me to that clinic the morning of.  Noori’s mother didn’t know me, let alone that I was Gary so I didn’t have to hide.  Still I know I was taking a chance going there but I had to let Noori know that in some sort of way, I was there for her.

She saw me, acknowledged me secretly but sadly we couldn’t share a touch or any words.  I felt her heart breaking directly inside of mine.  

She was called back and my heart skipped a beat or eight; she gave me one more quick glance as she went inside.

Well over an hour had passed when Noori finally emerged from back there.  My angel looked terrible, she was clearly weakened both in body and spirit.  God how I wished I would’ve been able to just hold her so tight.  ‘I’m so sorry my love.’  Only my eyes could speak.

Somehow Noori’s female family members managed to keep all this from the father and brothers.  At an extremely critical and delicate place in her world, she could’ve used some tenderness.

During the next couple of weeks which followed, I don’t know if she was the recipient of any compassion, especially from her mother from whom she really could’ve used it.

passing throughI felt a sense of urgency and my heart told me that love was key in the healing process.  I wished I could see my girl – I needed to see her, to reassure her, to hold her.

One day Noori’s sister-in-law was feeling uneasy about something she just couldn’t put her finger on.  She went to check on Noori.  She was in the bathroom … for a very long time.  

She knocked, nothing.  She banged harder … nothing.  The younger sister came out to the door hearing the commotion and instantly felt the urgency as well.

The two of them forced their way in just as Noori was about to take her last step.   They got in there just in time.  Noori all but succeeded in hanging herself.  

Nearly a week had passed from that desperate day before the breeze blew the news down to me.  I cannot even begin to tell you how I felt when I heard.  And I could never tell you how broken she thought herself to be.

It would be nearly a month before I laid eyes on my angel again.  Noori finally found the inner strength to pay us a visit.  She told me everything that happened and how.  

She showed me the remaining bruising she sustained from the beating her mother gave her weeks ago.  Noori explained her thought process during this time; she didn’t need to say more.  I felt I could understand the emotions she experienced.

Where do we go from here?

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pregnancy eliminated       My heart cried out at the thought of another child of mine I’m apparently not supposed to experience.

39. Karma & Love

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A few days after I had sank into a comfortable spot, I was going through all of my things when I came across the parcel Noori’s brother had given to me for her, back in Melbourne.  Opportunity to see her!  

I made my way up to her house and bravely presented Noori with the package.  The family was present and she motioned to me not to speak candidly.  They offered me a cool drink and then the best thing for me to do was return back down the hill.

A little more time passed when Noori began to come around again, to see the family yes, to be of whatever help she could for my mother and sister-in-law, to see me for sure.  I’m most glad she did.  I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if my little angel hadn’t come back and saved me.

She was especially interested to hear about my overseas adventures in Bombay and Melbourne.  News of her brother in Melbourne from someone who saw him in person made her very happy.  And no I didn’t tell on her brother …that he ate pork sausages at breakfast!

You know Noori and I had been the best of friends for a long time now, especially she was there before I even met Hemma and then through the middle of all the Hemma and family problems.  

Noori always made a point (and always without a row) to step aside and let my life take its course.  She consistently assured me she would always be there for me, all the way.  And she was; she did just that.

With the lighter load of my mind and in my heart, I was free to feel myself again.  I dare say, we were falling in love.  Boy oh boy, in reflection does it ever feel as though the space in my young life that was taken up with Hemma time was definitely karmic.  

Experiencing the loss of a child and a heart that played a constant flip-flop; a lonely, almost desperate void. Yeah, I think so.

Noori came in and she loved me wholeheartedly, she took care of me and this allowed me to feel completely at ease and be able to be there for her equally.  I believe this is how it should be.  Sadly I couldn’t be there for her openly in her family’s presence as the Hindu-Muslim thing was still very much in force.  

My family however was very happy with Noori as well.  They noticed the absolute light return to my eyes.  I know this relationship saved my heart, my all, my sanity for what that was worth.

A little time had passed and it was definitely time to speak with a lawyer.  Someone in our circle recommended a well-known attorney in Suva and I immediately set up an appointment to discuss my situation.  I knew I’d best get some good legal advice.  Although sad is the reason, still at least there wouldn’t be a custody battle in all this.  

I arrived alone at 9a sharp the morning of my appointment.  I was invited into his office and met with the lawyer and his paralegal.  They seemed warm and friendly contrary to a lawyer’s most often preceding reputation.  Would it have anything to do with him being a relation by way of marriage?  Who knew, it’s all good, right?

He told me after I sat down, “The floor is yours.  Open up and tell me everything.”

So I began with the beginning; that fateful evening when I was first introduced to Hemma … and her family.  

I told him all I could remember and how it went in my mind.  After they listened to everything, there was a very brief space of silence, a breath or two’s worth and then he said, “Divorce at this time is not possible.  Not right away.  I will file for a legal separation.  And you cannot leave Fiji during the year.”

‘What do you mean, exactly?’ I asked, just a bit taken aback by that remark.  I was still young what did I know?  He went on to explain there had to be time in between just in case there’s a chance of reconciliation.  I already had tried all I would and I knew for certain that wouldn’t happen.   “And we’ll take it from there.”  he finished.

20. Aftermath of a Life Unrealised

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Silently returning from the cemetery and in the ways of our tradition, I stopped at the front of our home to *cleanse.  Then I went indoors and I bathed before I could settle myself to rest.  My mother, my wife, my sisters and the other family women were already in the house preparing for our evening.

We are sitting in the living room – just looking at one another or blankly into some space on the wall or the floor, it didn’t matter.  And the tea that was served didn’t taste the same.  There was nothing much to say and I for one couldn’t.

In the early evening the pundit came to perform the puja.  We all prayed together for our baby, our son, my angel, asking God to keep him safe and close to Him.

The next day Hemma’s father came to my house and declared he had come to take his daughter home with him; that they would take care of her there.  I asked my wife if this is what she wanted and she said, “Yes.”

She then asked me to go with her.  I couldn’t, I could not even imagine going over there with them.  I did want my wife, I needed her to stay here with me.  This was our home.  She left that same day.  

I was sure we needed each other to try and bring a sense of comfort in this shared broken-hearted pain, to mourn together but no, it seemed she needed to go back to her father and mother, to their home.  I didn’t know if there was a right or wrong in this event; I tried to understand but it was really all too much.

Weeks passed, I was feeling heavy-hearted and I thought many times how my wife must be getting on.  Although I had all the blessed love and support of my dear family, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being all alone.  I couldn’t bring myself to go anywhere, much less out of my room, not even to work.  

One weekend it happened that Noori came down to the house to see how the family was getting on.  I know she had clues from her best friend, my little sister.  I suppose Noori thought she ought to wait a while before coming over.  I know she wanted to see for herself how Gary was doing.  Perhaps she also thought Hemma may return …

She went straight into the kitchen and prepared tea for the family.  Then she brought a cup into my room for me.  No one seemed to mind that we stayed in the room for long hours, just talking.  My mother knew this was more helpful at this point than anything else.  

Noori reminded me of her promise; that she’d be around for me in case of emergency, and if ever I needed a different ear that would listen.  She said, “I am here to share your grief, your pain and I’ll come as often as I can so you can always use my shoulder to cry on.”

This girl helped me so much just by being there for me.  I was able to breathe again as I had someone to talk with, like a best friend who provided for me a way to express my feelings without reserve, about my child and how I was feeling with regard to the rest of my world.

We were getting closer and I was comfortable now with my support network.  Everything happened so fast!

One day Hemma sent her two courier pigeons my way with a note.  The message basically was an ultimatum which stated that if I wanted her back in my life, I would have to move into her family’s house.  

Otherwise she’d never come back to me.  Why oh why did I have a feeling this wasn’t my wife’s voice in these words?  What a sticky situation and what a demand!

Unimaginable!  No, no and still, no!

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*cleanse    – it is in our tradition when immediate family and the close relatives return from a funeral to the home we must first approach the basin of water which has been set-up next to a smoldering fire outside the house.  A mango leaf is in it.  

We take the leaf, dipping into the blessed water, sprinkling it upon ourselves 3 times and then turn to the smoke of the fire, bringing the smoke towards ourselves in a blessing sort of way; like it’s preventing any unwelcome whatever from the funeral location.  Then bathing and fresh clothes follow.